If Dean Used Bumper Stickers
by The Phantom Dragon
Summary: If Dean used bumper stickers, what would they be. read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**If Dean Used Bumper Stickers**

Jesus loves you, but I think you're an asshole!

Zero to dick in 60 seconds.

Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Don't Honk - I'm Loading as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I am a Winchester. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

Nice People Swallow!

Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

This car is not abandoned!

I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU

"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING

Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often

If your cute, single, and rich, HONK!

Don't laugh; your daughter could be in here.

WARNING: Driver only carries $200.00 worth of ammunition.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

My brother's other car is a cruise missile.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins, THANKS FOR NOTHING.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.

I love cats...dead ones.

I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

My other ride is your GIRLFRIEND!!

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Zero to bitch in 10 seconds

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!

Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!

Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!

HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!

Barney sucks.

Life is too short. Don't be a dick.

Forget Subtlety... FUCK YOU!

Fuck the dog watch out for the owner.

If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.

Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

I just want revenge. Is that so bad?

I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

So many cats.....so few recipes.

My other ride is your MOTHER!!

Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!


	2. Chapter 2: more fun

_yes I know Dean would never put stickers on his beloved baby, but these just sounded so much like him i had to add another chapter._

Chapter 2

HE WHO HESITATES IS MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT

LIFE IS SHORT…BREAK SOME RULES

IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, IT'S WHETHER I WIN OR LOSE

IF FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED  
SCREW IT

ISN'T A SMOKING AREA IN A RESTAURANT  
LIKE A PEEING AREA IN A SWIMMING POOL?

IF FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED…  
MAYBE LOSING IS YOUR STYLE

COPULATE  
DON'T POPULATE

REMEMBER LADIES; IT'S NOT  
MEN'S MINDS THAT THEY WANT BLOWN

EX-LOVERS MAKE  
GREAT SPEED BUMPS

JESUS LOVES YOU  
EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE

WITH GUNS,  
CARS, & BEER  
… WHO NEEDS WOMAN?

EARTH FIRST…  
WE'LL SCREW UP THE OTHER PLANETS LATER

THE SHORTEST SENTENCE IS 'I Am."  
THE LONGEST IS 'I DO'

IF I WANTED TO HEAR FROM AN ASSHOLE  
…I'D FART

I'D SMACK YOU, BUT  
SHIT SPLATTERS

I'M RETIRED  
GO AROUND ME

DON"T BOTHER ME  
I'M LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER

I RESPECT YOUR OPINION  
I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT

IS THERE LIFE AFTER DEATH?  
TOUCH MY CAR AND FIND OUT

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK?  
HELL, I KICK ASS

SARCASM …  
JUST ONE MORE SERVICE I OFFER

I TRIED SEEING YOUR POINT OF VIEW  
BUT I COULDN'T GET MY HEAD  
THAT FAR UP MY ASS

IF I GAVE A SHIT,  
YOU'D BE THE FIRST TO GET IT

IF YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME  
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT DEAD?

I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH  
TO BE THIS PISSED OFF

C'MON, GIVE ME THE FINGER LIKE YOU MEAN IT

YOUR PROCTOLOGIST CALLED  
HE FOUND YOUR HEAD

I'M WIMP  
AND I'LL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU SAY I'M NOT

I LOVE EVERYONE  
AND BABY YOU'RE NEXT

I DON'T SUCK. BUT HONEY I HOPE YOU DO

YOU'RE A BAD GIRL!  
GET IN MY CAR

MY IDEAL GIRLFRIEND  
A NYMPHO LIQUOR STORE OWNER

WHY IS A JOB BETTER THEN A WIFE?  
AFTER 10 YEARS A JOB STILL SUCKS.

WE INTERRUPT THIS MARRIAGE  
TO BRING YOU RACING SEASON

* * *

"Dean, let's go already." Sam whined walking down the aisle that his brother was in. The boys had stopped to pick up supplies and were ready to go, except a certain Winchester was acting slightly out of character.

"Just a sec Sam." Dean waved a hand behind him in the direction of his brother. "Almost done here."

"Dude, what are you doing?" Sam rolled his eyes as he looked over Dean's shoulder to see what his brother could be up to in the stationary section of all places. He was sure his eyes would pop out when he say Dean holding several bumper stickers. "What the hell are you looking at those for?" he asked incredulously. If there was one rule that Dean held sacred, it was that should any foreign objects, beyond the categories of dirt and squished bugs, appear upon his car, the guilty party would be wise to put a continent between themselves and the crime seen and be making arrangements for their early departure from this existence.

Dean looked at his brother oddly. "Reading them, what else."

Sam raised his eyebrows as if he thought his brother was going nuts. "Dean," he said incredulously, "you kill people for even touching your car. And now you want bumper stickers for the impala?!"

Dean grinned and chuckled. "Yeah, well, I don't have to buy them to read them do I."

"What? There funny." Dean defended himself when Sam looked at him as if he had sprouted another head. "Maybe we should get you a car so you don't have to keep complaining about my music and I could have something to stick these on."

Sam looked at Dean weird and said, "Yeah, and even if I did get a car why would I wanna put any of those on it?"

Dean chuckled and waved on of the stickers under Sam's nose for him to read. "Because my dear brother," he said with a laugh, "due to your crappy alcohol tolerance, you do, in fact, go from 'ZERO TO NAKED IN 6.2 BEERS'!!"

* * *

if ur gonna read this ya gotta comment

come on, I know you have something to say

P.S. for more goofyness, read If Dean Used Bumperstickers 2


	3. Chapter 3:And a whole lot more fun

_Since you all seem to like a little Dean goofiness, I thought a few more would be in order._

**Chapter 3**

A MAN & HIS CAR  
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING

I MAY BE AN OLD DOG  
BUT I CAN STILL BURY A BONE

AUTHENTIC BEER GUZZLING, SPORTS LOVING, SUPER STUD

IF SIZE DOESN'T MATTER  
HOW COME I'M SO POPULAR?

WOMEN COME & GO, BUT...  
YOU CAN RELY ON A CAR

(Under picture of a girl in a bikini) GOALS - FOCUS ON YOUR GOALS.  
JUST DON'T GET CAUGHT FOCUSING.

WARNING - PRIVATE PROPERTY  
NO TRESPASSING UNLESS YOU HAVE  
REALLY BIG BOOBS.

I'M NOT LOSING HAIR  
… I'M GETTING HEAD

REMEMBER MY NAME…  
YOU'LL BE SCREAMING IT LATER

REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE  
NO, NOT THERE

I LOVE EVERYONE  
AND BABY YOU'RE NEXT

DEEP, SENSITIVE, CONSIDERATE & HORNY

I'M NOT JUST GOOD, I'M SEXCELLENT

SEX ISN'T DIRTY  
UNLESS YOU DO IT RIGHT

SEX IS THE MOIST FUN THING YOU CAN DO

WANNA COME INTO MONEY?  
PUT A DIME IN YOUR CONDOM

SEX? I ALWAYS DO IT THE HARD WAY

IF YOU LIKE MY BUMPER  
YOU'LL LOVE MY HEADLIGHTS

GOD CREATED SEX  
(I ONLY PERFECTED IT)

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAD SEX  
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO GETS TIED UP

SEX IS LIKE PIZZA  
WHEN IT'S GOOD, IT'S VERY GOOD  
WHEN IT'S BAD, IT'S STILL PRETTY GOOD!

MAN MADE BEER, GOD MADE WEED  
WHO DO YOU TRUST?

24 HOURS IN A DAY, 24 BEERS IN A CASE.  
COINCIDENCE?

BEER. THE REASON I GET UP  
EVERY AFTERNOON.

I GAVE UP DRINKING, HUNTING, AND SEX.  
IT WAS THE WORST 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE.

I'M NOT GONNA DRINK ANYMORE…  
WON'T DRINK ANY LESS EITHER

CAUTION!  
I CAN GO FROM 0 TO HORNY IN 2.5 BEERS

I'M NOT GAINING WEIGHT  
I'M RETAINING FOOD

BAD COP  
NO DONUT

CAT  
THE OTHER WHITE MEAT

I'VE BEEN DIETING FOR A MONTH  
…BUT ALL I'VE LOST IS 31 DAYS

LORD, IF I CAN'T BE SKINNY  
PLEASE LET MY FRIENDS BY FAT

I LOVE CATS  
THEY TASTE just LIKE CHICKEN

IF I MUST DIE, LET IT BE  
DEATH BY BEER

I Do Whatever the Voices In My Pants Tell Me To.

Don't fuck with my serenity.

Easily distracted by upper female anatomy.

* * *

Castiel frowned as he watched the younger Winchester brother crouch behind the back of his brother's car and began unsticking a small piece of paper from it's package.

"You do know Dean will most likely kill you when he sees that." Sam almost jumped a mile that ended when he the voice of the angel sounded behind him.

"Castiel!" he grouched as he picked himself off the ground where he had fallen on the wet pavement and promptly cracked his head on the edge of the back bumper. "Was that really necessary?"

Castiel raised his eyebrows and bent to pick up the object that Sam had dropped and turned it over for inspection. "'I DID NOT ESCAPE. THEY GAVE ME A DAY PASS'. Samuel, what is this?" he asked with slight confusion.

"It's a bumpersticker." Sam said while ruefully rubbing his head.

"Ahhhh." Castiel nodded as understanding dawned on him. "You do remember that the last time you tried this particular prank, your father made you not only remove it from your brother's back bumper, but had you wash the entire car as a punishment for defacing your brother's property?"

Sam looked surprised for a moment that Castiel knew this tidbit of family history, but then remember he was dealing with an angel after all. "So." He shrugged. "Dean's been a pain recently."

Castiel wanted to laugh, the Great and Mighty Sam Winchester was sulking. And over what? That despite his demonic strength, his older brother had successively kicked his butt four times in a row the previous day while they had been sparing in the park.

"And that is suitable reason to deface his property?" Sam sighed at the angels persistence. " Look, it's a human thing, OK! So do me a favour and keep your trap shut about it, alright!" Sam snapped as he snatched back the sticker and finished placing it on the bumper just to the side of the license plate before standing to glare at Castiel. "If you tell him, I will be pissed at you for eternity."

Castiel rased his eyebrows pointedly at the pocket of Sam's coat, out of which were poking the corners of several of the offending items. "And exactly how many are you planning on using?"

Sam grinned. "Don't worry Cas, I know when to stop."

Castiel had reasons to doubt this but did not question Sam since he was obviously set on this course of action and so, wisely, decided to retreat to a safe distance from the impending fallout when Dean would come out.

* * *

"SAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!" Castiel winced from his position atop the roof at the end of the row of slowly disintegrating rooms that made up the rundown motel where the boys were staying. The older Winchester brother had just discovered the newest addition to his car and was NOT happy.

Castiel smirked as he heard the window in the back of the room being slowly inched open and toyed with the idea of droppong over to tell Sam 'I told you so'.

The idea was quickly dissolved when Dean stormed into the room. Castiel could hear words he had never even known existed until now being yelled by Dean at the top of his lungs. Deciding that sibling pranking was none of his concern, he quickly decided to leave before his hearing was permanently damaged. If Sam Winchester died anytime soon, it would not be Castiel's problem.

Who knew, maybe the boy would learn to stop coming up with such crappy prayers as 'LORD! HELP ME TO BE THE PERSON MY PSYCHIATRIST MEDICATES ME TO BE'.

* * *

Well wada ya think.

reviews pls


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